Maybe you swallow the poison pill. Maybe it knows the way. Maybe it goes to the bottom and spreads out through the whole system.
Maybe you feel the monster coming for you. Maybe you sense collapse shame and death stalking you. Maybe you fear it inevitable that you’ll suicide yourself with funny cuts.
Addiction. It is like this: let me fall apart, let me give in and fall apart, let me lose now because I can’t push back on this another moment, the struggle to keep my head up is too much for me.
Addiction. It is like this: Just let me kill myself. Just let me accept defeat now: the suspense is killing me; the eventuality of total-failure and complete-loss is undoing me nuts and bolts.
Addiction. It is like this: OK, then, this is the last moment, there will be no more moments, just let me sink all the way into this moment and die. Please: I can’t stand anymore moments; let me just get this one for once!
Addiction. It is like this: I have been too lonely for too long. I must run away. I must run away upon these vapors. I don’t want to go to sleep or to die; I just want to get away for a little while that lasts forever.
Addiction. It is viscerally like this: panic, fear, hope, desperate pangs radiating out from your gut. Don’t abandon me anymore please.
Addiction. It is almost the push for enlightenment. But it takes a weird bounce, a wrong turn. It begs for release rather than demanding Love. It is a child that cannot escape from or face the bad thing. Enlightenment in this predicament would be a child that will not escape or turn away from the bad thing; but will smile gently and say, “It’s over now; you have no power over me; go and heal yourself I pray”. Many people aren’t confronted with the bad thing like that — when they are too soft and unformed to organize a coherent response. Enlightenment for them is a child that will not turn away from the laughing summer sun. Enlightenment for everyone is like that once you can get past the brambles. Everyone has some brambles. But not everyone is abused as children.
Addiction. It is the will to go crazy, to fall apart. “I can only relax by giving up, by giving in. I only get a break from the Hurt by inviting the fall-apart in.”
Addiction. Please God. I am so lonely. I am sorry that I am not doing a better job with all that you’ve given me. But please help me to admit who I am, where I am, what I need; please help me to see what I must do and do it. I am so lonely now for so long and this isn’t helping but what would help and where are You anymore anyway???
Addiction. Please let me go. Please let me be a boy walking free in the sun and the snow once again. Please let go of me. And where is my wife? I’m not some kind of a magic force field that can withstand every blast. I’m just a creature.
The victim feels they’ll die soon, that they must, that it is the only way, that the bad forces will win sooner or later and sooner than life’s supposed to last. The victim is sad to go but relieved to be released. The victim is wrong but how to reach him and heal him and turn him
to the Light?
Addiction. Pretending you’re doing something while you’re doing nothing. Because you desperately need to do something infinitely grand and you desperately want to do nothing, but to instead disappear forever into an infinite escape. You want salvation, but as spiritual suicide. I don’t know how to help you. How do I steer you to a wiser way?
Addiction: I can only rest from the panic by falling apart upon this drug, by hari-kari-ing upon this self-dissociating blade.
Addiction. I need this moment to last forever because I can’t stand a moment that admits who i am and where i am and how i cannot i cannot i just cannot
Addiction: Because I am terrified of my own life
Author: Barak Mee Dwn Dwn Dwn
Editors: Bartleby Willard and Amble Whistletown
Copyright: Andrew M. Watson